Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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