just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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