I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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