I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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