found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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