Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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