my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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