I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
