Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
