i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
