yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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