It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
