i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
