yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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