After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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