I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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