theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
