Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize