Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
