so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
