Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
