dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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