I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
