I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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