I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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