Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
not ubering you a puppy
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize