My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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