Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
