i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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