Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize