i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
