So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
