OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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