Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
