I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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