He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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