he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
