what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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