I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
