My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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