Where did you get a picture of my penis
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
