I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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