I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
