I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
