I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
