it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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