yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
