I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
