Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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