Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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