What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize