I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize