3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
