im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
