Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize