there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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