do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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