I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize