Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
