sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
