I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
