Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
