So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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