I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm at about main and main street
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
